Brick by Brick: Rebuilding After the Hurt

Here’s a fact: not everyone will like you. That’s not me trying to be negative, it’s just the truth. Most people don’t want to be disliked; it makes us feel flawed or unworthy. However, the reality is that most of the time, it has nothing to do with us. It’s about the other person, what they’re going through, and what battles they’re fighting in their own mind. When that hate comes from someone close, like a parent, sibling, best friend, or partner, that’s the kind of pain that doesn’t just sting; it sinks into your spirit.

It’s bad enough for someone to dislike you, but it feels even more brutal when they go out of their way to show it. These people throw what I call “life bricks.” These bricks can take the form of hurtful words, actions that undermine you, silence that leaves you feeling isolated, gossip that tarnishes your reputation, or passive-aggressiveness that makes you question your worth. 

When all these bricks come flying your way, if you’re not careful, you start picking them up. You hold them, carry them, and stack them. Soon, you’re building walls around your heart; then one day, you look around and realize you’re alone inside a fortress made of someone else’s issues, and now they’ve become your burden to bear.

Here’s another truth: some people have already made up their minds about you, and nothing you do- no peace offering, no explanation, and no apology- will change that. I used to think that if I just explained myself better, said sorry first, or proved I meant well, the hate would fade. I was wrong. The hard truth is, some people have so much pain inside them that hate is the only thing they feel in control of. For them, it’s easier to hold onto hate rather than opening the door to understanding.

It’s even harder when that hate comes from your own inner circle- the people who were supposed to love you unconditionally. For me, it started with my parents. Do I believe they love me deep down? Yeah, but their actions sometimes scream the opposite, and that hurts. There’s no other way to say it- it hurts to feel hated by the very people who created you. That’s a tough pill to swallow.

I’ve learned there’s no perfect way to respond to that kind of pain. You can try to ignore it. You can give it back. You can pretend it doesn’t bother you. Yet, no matter which road you take, pain is pain; they all hurt.

We hope that with time, the hate will fade. Perhaps they’ll grow, gain wisdom, or soften their edges. However, the sad reality is that growth sometimes never comes. I should know. My parents are in their seventies, and I’m still waiting. I’ve come to terms with the fact that it most likely never will. So, for the sake of my own mental health, I’ve had to learn how to protect my peace while carrying wounds I didn’t ask for.

As we grow older and move away from that tight inner circle, we start to widen our circle with friends and partners. Perhaps we create our own families, whether through blood, choice, or a combination of both. The bigger the circle, the more complex it gets. There are more people to love and care for, more relationships to balance, and more expectations to meet. With more expectations come more chances for conflict. Conflict often leads to disappointment, and disappointment can develop into resentment, with hatred right behind.

That’s not to say you shouldn’t expand your circle. However when you do, remember to lean more into understanding, mindfulness, and forgiveness. These are the tools that will help you navigate the complexities of new relationships. They will prevent the cycle of hate from repeating and instead, foster a culture of empathy and growth.

So, where does all this hate come from, really? Usually, it’s deeply rooted in old wounds and unmet expectations. There are expectations we place on others, how they should treat us, how life should unfold, how the world should be. Then there are expectations other people place on us- some we agreed to, some we didn’t even know existed. The worst ones are the expectations people had no right to put on us in the first place. When these expectations go unmet, disappointment festers, and hate has a perfect breeding ground.

Think of a parent who expected you to follow a particular path. You didn’t. Instead of a mindful conversation, they meet you with criticism, condemnation, or coldness. They keep throwing bricks instead of putting them down and choosing compassion. This isn’t limited to family. It happens at work. Co-workers, managers, teammates- they might not say they hate you, but the energy doesn’t lie. Maybe it’s jealousy. Maybe it’s competition. Maybe it’s just two people with clashing values. Either way, the tension builds, and the air gets thick with unspoken animosity.

Even outside of work, friends, acquaintances, and social media connections can also throw their bricks. Sometimes it’s gossip. Sometimes it’s ghosting. Sometimes it’s that passive-aggressive comment you reread ten times, trying to figure out what they really meant.

Then there’s the outer circle: strangers- the rude cashier or the driver who cuts you off, the person who snaps at you in a line. For a split second, you hate them too. It’s not deep, but it’s real. It bubbles up from that same root of unmet expectations. We expected better behavior, manners, and decency, and when we don’t get it, we stew in that bitterness.

Here’s what we tend to forget: we don’t have to return the hate. Just because someone throws a brick doesn’t mean you should throw one back. You can catch it, hold it for a second, examine it for what it is, and then lay it down. You don’t have to carry it. You don’t have to build walls with it, and you definitely don’t have to aim it at anyone else. This is your choice, your power. You can choose to rise above the hate, to not let it define you or your actions.

That’s what real mindfulness looks like. It’s not just breathing exercises or guided meditations. It’s being aware in that split second when the brick is in your hand, and choosing not to add to the destruction. It’s choosing not to let it steal your peace. Trust me, it’s hard. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s a daily choice. It’s recognizing your triggers, your scars, and your history. It’s reminding yourself that hate will always come knocking, but you don’t have to open the door.

So next time someone throws a brick your way, pause. Look at it, and ask yourself: Do I build a wall? Do I throw it back? Or do I lay it down and build something more substantial with my life instead? That’s how we heal. That’s how we move forward, and most importantly, that’s how we keep our mental health intact, even when we’re surrounded by hate.